Oh, no
by rundaria
Summary: Taking a dig at the ridiculous number of pairing choices there are available in Trinity Blood. Can't be blamed, really, that's what all the guys are for! AbelxCainxDietrichxRaduxIonxEstherxCaterinaxTresxAbel. I'm sorry. Really. [MADGRIN]
1. Caterina Crushed

**Mad parody of everyone else's fanfics. I'm sorry. **

**R&R or bad things will happen.**

**Tee hee hee.**

**I mean, Trinity Blood does not belong to me.**

* * *

Tres Iqus, the AX's friendly resident cyborg, was attempting to hold as still as his mechanical body would allow, while manoeuvring to peer over the top of the large, rigid, and in his opinion completely pointless 1 red hat in his arms. It was something he'd puzzled over for the past six years of reporting in Cardinal Caterina Sforza's office: was the Vatican too poor to buy her a hat-stand? 

"So, Tres, I hear William's updated your operating system! How has it been, hm, these few days? I suppose you've spent the past few days getting accustomed to the new.. program?"

Tres' internal virtual hourglass icon flipped over in midair slowly. He felt so much more uncertain nowadays, with the new system. Professor William Wordsworth, with a slightly manic grin, had informed him _after_ the upgrade had been performed that it had included his newly developed patch for Simulated Emotions, which would have helped if Tres Iqus had actual facial muscles.

Also, Cardinal Caterina Sforza was unusually self-conscious today. In the six or so years he had been acquainted with her, she had so far only performed actions like Blushing and Looking Coy in the presence of Father Abel Nightroad, until Father Abel Nightroad had made it clear that, to quote Father Abel Nightroad 2 precisely, had "No interest in her. At all, Whatsoever. Will my sugar cube allowance be docked for this?"

Tres blinked.

"Positive. I have reprocessed collated information to reach new conclusions about the past and potential actions of some of the prominent terrorist group the Rozen Kreuz Orden, as well as –"

"Oh, no, you silly!" Cardinal Caterina Sforza giggled uncharacteristically. Tres considered requesting a status report, as she seemed to be suffering from some dangerous and unprecedented disease that might be a ploy by one of the members of the Rozen Kreuz Orden to undermine the AX's actions. Or at least drunk. He decided against it.

"I'm talking about, well, I heard William's new patch included some programming for, well, Love."

"..Positive," said Tres, to fill the expectant pause.

"And, hm, I expect you need some guidance on the subject! Considering this is your first time, er.. experiencing it? Well," she went on without waiting for an answer, "Generally when you're together with someone for long periods of time, you begin to feel a sort of dedication to them, yes? Well, I advise you to confess your feelings for them once you find out that this is so. Hesitation will only bring frustration and pain, no? So, Tres, after almost seven years of being under my leadership, is there anything you'd like to tell me?"

Tres leaned backward and raised the hat defensively. Cardinal Caterina was almost falling off her chair leaning toward him.

"That I do, Cardinal Caterina Sforza. I suspect that I –" The grin on her face was most unsettling, and there was a small smear of lipstick on her upper teeth.

"Go, on, Tres," she breathed.

"Um. I suspect that I have developed an infatuation with Father Abel Nightroad, and by the advice you just provided, I will inform him of this occurrence immediately." He stood, noting that Caterina's eyes were still fixed on the spot he had been, though the pupils had suddenly contracted to an alarmingly small diameter. In fact, he doubted that she were even breathing. How strange.

"If you do not take action immediately, Cardinal Caterina Sforza, you will slide off the armchair in three minutes and twenty five seconds, and the subsequent reapplication of your makeup will cause you to arrive for the meeting of Vatican authorities late."

She didn't move. Tres decided, upon consideration, to wedge her hat under her chin, which would increase the time taken for her to fall off the chair by at least sixty seconds, and possibly prevent her face hitting the carpeted floor, leaving a Cardinal-Caterina-face-coloured stain.

The door shut with a click behind him. Caterina's right eye twitched.

* * *

In a café somewhere in the city of Rome, Ion Fortuna huddled in an oversized black cloak under a large black umbrella on the roof, wondering if the water in the gutter running past his left foot was toxic and watching Queen Esther Blanchett hit Abel Nightroad with her sceptre, while yelling "_That was my brand-new skirt with real Smurovski crystals, you moron, and you HAD to sneeze and now there's a huge tea stain on it! And even SMELLING it is giving me diabetes, you're a more effective assassin than anyone who actually TRIES to be_ –" 

Ion grinned. And inched away from the drainage.

* * *

1 Pointless having several meanings, all of them applying. 'Humour function active at 55,' Tres noted under the new Emotions patch, and also initiated a calculation for the probability of Cardinal Caterina Sforza's hat, while completely blunt, being able to replace her tongue or stares as a potential weapon injurious to the general populace. In fact, there had been an incident where Cardinal Caterina had knocked out an assistant sent to help her down from the podium after making a speech representing the Catholic Church, though other witnesses claimed he'd been smacked unconscious by her heavy-duty, money-back-guaranteed curls. 

2 Unfortunately, to everyone's frustration, Professor William Wordsworth had neglected to install a system by which Tres was forced to refrain from repeating everyone's full name when he referred to them. They were now completely convinced that the man was a complete masochist.


	2. The Mission Begins

**Guys, post up more TB fics! **

**There are only about 300 fanfictions under the Trinity Blood category at the mo', and I'm really looking forward to it hitting the 10K mark so we'll get **_**CATEGORISED CHARACTER PAIRINGS**_** (please?)! Work hard, people. Oneshots are essential to our success! **

**('Quality, not Quantity' only applies to the number of chapters, not stories.)**

"What the hell is he thinking?"

Radu Barvon shook his Methuselah, undead, re-animated, extremely deceased head in exasperation.

"How many centuries have I been reminding him that Methuselah stick out like unmentionable appendages when aroused? Hello, huge flappy black cloak – the thing's big enough for two of me, for goodness' sake – and umbrella that'll probably carry him off with a strong gust of wind, and he sits on the edge of a bloody building.

"And yes, Dietrich, I know it's lots easier for you to find out what I'm doing by forcing me to report everything I see out loud, but it's driving me insane, you know that? Yes, you probably do, that's why you even sent me on this stupid mission!"

A little old lady hugged her grocery bag to her chest and crossed to the other side of the road. It did not pay to walk near schizophrenic vampires, she had established in her younger days. Really, in her youth, Methuselah had been _attractive_, and now they just stood on roofs talking to themselves spying on everyone else. The Vatican nowadays let vampires get completely out of hand –

Father Tres Iqus marched past her in a flapping of black cloak, looking determined.

- but that was alright, considering they were certainly putting their efforts into employing better-looking priests.

"Father Abel Nightroad, I –"

"_Tres_! Save me! Now! I think Esther's going through, you know, her womanly thing at this time of the month, and -"

"You shut up, you horrible –"

A well-timed BEEP from Tres interrupted their rants.

"Father Abel Nightroad, I –"

"Now, Tres! Grab her!"

"Why is everyone _against_ me? Why doesn't anyone _understand_ my _pain_?"

" – have just received data for out new mission from Sister Kate Scott, which takes priority over any love confessions I am required to make, and – "

"I hate being Queen! I quit!"

" – we need to set off immediately. Father Abel Nightroad?"

Tres and Esther looked down at the apparently unconscious Abel in horror. Esther picked up the crown she'd just thrown at Abel's head, pointed at Tres, and yelled -

"_HE DID IT. Star of hope, lalala, saviour of the people, I DID NOT JUST KNOCK A PRIEST OUT. Bye."_

- and took off at an almost unladylike trot down the street, blissfully unaware of the large black umbrella attempting to roofhop after her, followed by someone not very alive, as well as her daily entourage of assassins.

"'S she gone?" asked a hopeful voice coming from somewhere near Tres' left foot, which belonged to a silver-haired (1) priest who was attempting to inconspicuously scan the horizon for any signs of the country's beloved Queen, with one eye closed and his cheek against the cobblestones. He was failing.

"Positive. My optic sensors indicate that Her Highness Queen Esther Blanchett has moved out of sight. As I was trying to inform you earlier, we have just received a new mission from Sister Kate Scott."

"Yes, yes, I heard, through the metal spike Esther was trying to ram into my head," muttered the Vampire of Vampires, the Scourge of the Methuselah, the Terror of the Tyrannical Bloodsucking Overlords, and the Man Who Just Had His Head Grounded Into The Floor By A Hormonally Imbalanced Teenager In A Metal Underskirt.

"Playing audio report now."

"_Abel, Tres! This is Kate, there's been a frantic summons from one of the villages near Londinium, psychotic laughter and strange lights coming from an abandoned cottage, suspect Class B Mad Scientist, Class D Resurrected Ghoul.. Or it could be one of the Rozen Kreuz Orden people bringing on Armageddon. Or possibly Willie's been injecting himself with one of his.. experiments again. _

"_Check it out and if it's Willie, remind him that substance abuse is punishable by law and Leon said to save some for him when he gets back. And that one of my right cannons seems to be housing a family of starlings. Deal with the mission immediately. NOW. Bye._

" Message end,_" _noted Tres. "The cottage mentioned is three hours' march from Londinium."

"Oh. Er.. To Londinium!"

"I would like to point out that Her Highness Queen Esther Blanchett is heading back this way, Father Nightroad," said Tres.

"Er.. To Londinium quickly, then!"

"It is good to see your enthusiasm for a mission for once, Father Nightroad."

"If there's just _one_ thing I'd like to see more than Esther right now, it's the light of day, ever again," mumbled Abel.

"I did not realise you put Her Highness Queen Esther Blanchett in such high regard, Father Nightroad."

"I never said there weren't _other_ things."

* * *

In an alternate universe, a horde of stampeding teenagers was halted suddenly when every single one of them broke out sneezing. (The moral of the story: One angry Esther Many, many random fangirls. Or guys. Give up already.)

* * *

(1) "No, my hair is not _grey_. Can't you just take it as silver? It sounds loads more exciting, not that I need to use my hair to excite anyone. Yes, I am aware that this is a T-rated fic, I've just been spending way too much time around Leon lately. I mean, what's with the _Dandelion?! …_I shouldn't have thought about that, really. Say hi to permanent mental scarration, kids!_"_


End file.
